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Father Bob from Northridge came to visit me today. I realized that I have been Outside of the Palace for way too long and I want to come home. However, it is a bit more difficult that that. I remember a movie in which this once noble good kid moved to Chicago, there he got involved with the wrong crowd. He returned home to the small town and as in every movie stuff happened. He hung out with his younger friend, who was like a little brother to him and they had this great day together. His friend asked him why he couldn’t just change and come back and be a part of their group again. I will never forget his explanation.

You go down a path and you make a wrong turn, and then you make another wrong turn, and then another, you make so many wrong turn you don’t know where to go any more. You know where you should go but you are lost and you just don’t know how to get there.

That is how I feel. I know that church is 10:00 am on a Sunday, I know that there is a church in Pasadena, however, the purple thread is whispering going to St. Nicholas. I know to get there. I know why I want to return to that church, but I am afraid to return. I am afraid that there will be nobody there that I remember from the old days, and worse, I am afraid that there will be people there I remember and don’t remember me. I am embarrassed about the weight I have gained and I don’t own any nice clothes that a 34 year old should wear to church. My reaching out to Father Bob was the first step, and now I am reaching out to an old friend that might remember me and can help return to the palace.

Why do I say the Palace? It is from a Violent Femmes song, “Outside of the Palace.” It is my favorite song of all times. Let me sing it to you (I will use blockquotes not my voice)

I’ve been outside the gate
I still don’t feel that I made any mistake
when I got off that train
I felt my feet hit the ground
I didn’t want to go
where that gravy train was bound
GOD help me to see
I’ve been loved all along
and not to get too confused
between the moonlight and the dawn

if I go back to the palace
I’ll walk right thru’ the gate
nobody knows how much it was at stake
I might get on that train
and feel the wheel on the track
move it on up the mountain like a foregone fact
GOD help me to see
I’ve been in love my whole life
and not to get so confused
between the struggle and the strife

GOD helped me to know
I have been loved all along
and to know the difference
between the moonlight and the dawn.

I remember at the ranch when we would walk up to the cross in the full moon and how on the last night we would be up until dawn, and I remember once how I got confused between the moonlight and the dawn. I always knew what the song meant, and I know that I have been outside of the palace, and I want more than anything to walk back through the gates.