Here is the short version of the last 13 years of my life. Remember, I am 35.

When I was 22 I had pain in my right testical. A lot pain. I was going to school at Chico State. Rewind a year prior I was in Flagstaff at Northern Arizona State. had something similar happen. A very *bad* It was diagnosed as epididimitis. Infection in the part of the testicil that produces your sperm or semen.

The condensed version of that story is that it made me very uncomfortable to see doctors, especially when my nuts were involved.

A year later, Chico California I started to develop the pain again. The lump was there too. Shit, not again. I went to see the nurse practitioner there, and he was a very nice guy. Though I knew it wasn’t gonera, the symptoms were there and I was given a lot of antibiotics and pain killers.

Next week pain is getting worse. Nurse Practioner gives me more antibiotics (shot) more pain killers. I told him it couldn’t be Gonera, but he told me there are other ways to get an infetion there. Back to the Epitidimitis.

Week 2 pain a lot worse. Terrible. I can’t sleep, I feel like I had been kicked in the nut and the pain never went away. Back to the clinic. Another shot of antibiotic and more pain killers and a long weekend.

Entering into the next week. Pain unbelivable. I see the doctor, he refers me to a Urologist. Shit, I was just recovering from the last prick. I had no choice.

Wednsday, pain really really bad, Uroloogist in under 5 minutes makes the diagnosis. Testicular Cancer. Now I was apparently lucky. The tumor was hemerging on the nerve center causing pain, normally TC doesn’t.

Friday Testicil removed. Due to circumstances I elected for a surgery to dig out any other tumors. One was found. Small tumor, but warrented 2 rounds of Chemo.

The fucked up thing is, TC spreads quickly. If I was properly diagnosed I would have been spared the full RPLND, in which I was litterally gutted, intestines placed outside, dug in, and removed some lymphnodes. The cancer had spread. Most likely if I would have been diagnosed correctly at the beging. The lump being slightly away from the epiditimis, thus being very obvious to someone that took a 2 hour course in diagnosing it. Very Simple.

Testicular Cancer is the most common cancer for young men between 15-35 years old. (laugh or not, but if you are in range, check your balls daily, feel a lump, go to the doctor, this is as important as Women doing breast exams)

In a college setting you would think this was something the medical people would know. They didn’t. The schools website had in depth education on breast cancer, but a horribel, hard to find on TC.

Ok, that was a little longer than expected, but the point is coming.

I had my mother’s medical insurance, the best I have ever had. The clinic at the school was free, though could have used a simple course to figure out my problem. But it still could have been more than enough to figure out my problem sooner.

The problem was not in the health care, but in the lack of knowledge of the doctors. It was poor planning that could have been corrected. And should be now. If not I need to have another chat with them.

Fast forward 10 years later, the chemo weakend my disks, and being sesptiple to disk degeneration already, my back show signs of a 5mm buldge. This has created off and on back problems. In 2008 I started to have this pain in my femeral nerve. The first 3 months of 2008 I had Kaiser.

At first it was great. I got right into see a Urologist, Cancer ruled out. I was then refered to pain management. Where through a series of blunders and misteps, the doctors once again did a poor job at figuring out what the pain was.

I have many surgical clips left in me. The doctors assured and even mocked my wife for claiming that was the source of the problem. After painful nerve blocks, having to go on disablity for a couple months, nearly loosing my job, I left Kaiser for my insurance.

I was lucky to get Roy Disney Jr.s old doctor. A doctor to many executives at Disney, and a kick ass doctor. He through me in the hospital for 10 days to figure out what was wrong with me.

They found a lot, but could not figure out what the pain was from. That is what my doctor wanted to be fixed.

5 doctors, a Urologist, Pain Anastisologis, Muscular Anistisiolgist, my doctor, a Neurologist all thought that sending a scope down in me to figure out what was there causing me the problems.

I was released from the hospital and went in search of a doctor that would do the surgery. UCLA rejected me since I no longer had cancer. USC Urologist threw his hands up and said he didn’t know, saw another pain specialist. Then saw 2 more Urologist that didn’t want to do the surgery. Then a general surgeon. He didn’t want to do it either, wanted to school all the other doctors for not seeing it was simply scare tissue.

2 Doctors said he was wrong, that would be on the other side, not the good side. It was effecting my last nut which just pissed me off.

Finally my doctor tossed me back into the hospital. The general surgeon’s assistant (hottie) agreed surgery would be best.

1 week to get an appointment (shit load of pain) 2 weeks for the surgery. F that, my doctor told me to go into the ER Sunday night. I was in the hospital until Tuesday.

This is now 1 year and 20 days since the problem started. They had found pressed firmly against my genital femerol nerve a surgical clip. Score a billion for Jen (wife) who said it was that all along.

It took me 9 months to recover. 6 weeks ago my back took a turn for the worse. No pain, but some bad symptoms. MRI done. But there is an added problem. My neck, which I just had an MRI done, and made the mistake of looking at the pictures. Not too thrilled and curious to how bad the doctor thinks it is. To me, it hurts like a bitch. It has been a problem since I was 11 years old. Bad neck spams through the years.

So I am not looking forward to another round of this shit.

Now I have good insurance. My insurance is very similar if not the same as the executives at Disney. Kaiser, though a sloppy machine of poorly executed processes, all were capable of finding this a lot sooner. What got me was the process, the procedures, some of these doctors were just robots going from a handbook.

The doctors were unable to work as a team to figure out what the fuck was wrong with me. And I paid the price. From the cancer in Chico to the finding of the surgical clip.

Now my oncologist, when I was with him as a team, he helped people from all angels. He made more than enough money so everyone didn’t need to pay the same. It is amazing on how much the doctors want to work with what they have. But when you too much away from the doctors and put price tags on things enters in the buracracy and decision makers then you have a real problem.

It isn’t that the US has bad health care, it is that the good parts of it are so hard and made almost impossible to access. There is a fundemental problem that goes beyond the bill.

I have spent a lot of time in the Emrgency Room, Clinics, doctors offices, to see what is broken here it so over looked, but so easy to fix it makes me ill to think about it.

Where the true concern with reform is the fact that if I don’t work for a company like Disney I am boned. I am almost uninsurable. I can’t be an independent contractor, only Disney could get away with finding someone to insure me. And the insurances are the ones that put me in this position to start with. Well to some degree, cancer played a role too. I don’t like cancer, especailly cancer that goes for the balls., but that is just me. All cancers suck, lost too much to it, but after having it, at least I can make cancer jokes about it. And I have gotten out of a few thousand dollars worth of fines, and literally played the cancer card to get a friend out of a mistermeanor. But I digress.

I don’t like to brag, but healthy, I am freaking awesome! I do great work, I have a lot to be proud of, and have paid a great deal into the system. To think that those two things cannot help me. There is something wrong with the approach. Until we fix that, we are screwed.

Enough with that, my ships are back. For those still reading, check your balls, and when it comes to health care, be smart until they can catch up.

This is the third year in a row where our attempts at a baby are coming unraveled. This year my back has taken a turn for the worse. Just yesterday my car became immobile and my debit card was compromised and showed activity in Lebanon.

There is some much I want to do, but everything is so intertwined. It is is like all the cables in my house, an mess of things in which I don’t know how to undo and once I did I don’t know how to prevent it from happening again.

I think if I can figure that out, if I can figure out how to deal with my wires then somehow I will find the answer I am looking for.

I have little doubt that there is something directing this madness of my life, I have no doubt that I am going off course, and I am lacking the ability to see where I am supposed to go.

I need more than a miracle, I need some ammunition, some soldiers would be nice. If I cannot get a break from the endless sea of bad that falls on me, I need at least that.

Here is the brain dump

DMV = Got there early, line not too long, tried to fill out paperwork, didn’t have enough time because pens and lefties don’t mix. Called to a window forgot to give my slip so she gave me a pin and called the guy I was talking to behind me in line, she is telling me she didn’t call me, but she did I was just reassigned. Wow what a simple application and this person did not take the time to learn it. Odd. Just as well turns out my License never reinstated, but it was reissued after suspended, I guess the DMV can collect for the courts but the courts collect for the DMV and pretends like it doesn’t exist. Good luck me getting any records from that sink hole. Thought it would be cool to divise a plan in which I save the state money, but piss off a judge, but that was last year, and I am still on 2002. Long story, I digress. I am given a test, after listening to a loud woman shout at people about her learning disability but claiming her intelligence, and really save it for the soap box not the DMV. She wanted a blank piece of paper, but there was a problem with that. I was stuck behind her, I was going to talk to her but she leaving load messages on peoples phones wondering why they don’t pick up. I kept quite. I took my test, failed it the first time. I wish I could have kept it. The questions I missed were hysterical. Really you are asking me what I should do if a blind person is at an intersection? Really? The answer was in short, treat him like everyone else. Second time I looked at the book real quick to see if there was some clue to these retarded questions. As it turns out, most the answers were in the headers. Thick book, but only two headers per page, no problem. I just wasn’t prepared for the mind set of this test. My God, “What should you do.” What would be the best? Looking over the California Driving Code means dill to these guys. F-Them! I want to find out who approved the test, I don’t fault the person that wrote it, I don’t write good tests either, but I know a shitty one when I read it. I found it to be biased since it leaned toward people that just took drivers ed. Great a bunch of gym teachers are making a state test. You know California there are smarter people out there that will work for less. I wish I could redo it so when they handed me the English by default I would say, “Sorry, the Fassie one please” I have three shots, might as well.

That ended around 10:00am, and the fun was just beginning.

Technology seemed to be attacking me on multiple fronts. Perhaps the machine did not like my bad mouthing Internet Security Software. Odd.

One year ago today I remember laying awake thinking that if this appointment with this doctor did not work out I simply would not have what it would take to continue this life. I was depleted and there was nothing left.

One October 13 I had an appointment with the doctor your had recommenced, Dr. Kroop. The doctor put his and on my shoulder and told me “don’t worry we will fix you.” And that he did.

Dr. Kroop spent countless hours battling doctors and my insurance to get me the help that I desperately needed. He was a light house for me to ensure that I would not get lost at sea and eventually brought me to shore by strong arming a surgeon to put a scope in me to find the problem and convinced an insurance company to pay for it to allow for the road to recovery to begin.

One year later things are not perfect. The years of pain and especially the nightmare of 2008 when things were at its worst took a huge toll on me, physically, mentally, and financially. I still struggle to put the pieces of my life back together. But it is a life I really want to put back together and a life I want to live. Everyday I see and feel the difference between now and where a year ago.

I remember that night, going to sleep, knowing that this was my last hope, that my life it was going to be saved or it wasn’t, it would have been one or the other. What most people don’t know and I am embarrassed to admit is what I would have done if that appointment turned out different.

So all my goofy posts and odd sense of humor is proof that my prayer that night was answered. The place that I live in is very nice, the rains came and I am not curled into a ball. I have hope beyond the next doctor’s appointment.

So Lisa, from the bottom of my heart I want to thank you, again, as I have done before and I will always do for many years to come, thanking you for giving me that name and number a year ago that truley changed and saved my life. Wherever I go from here, my friends and family will be told the story and the legend of Lisa Loomis and of what you had done for me, this co-worker of yours, this person you had known for less than a year. This debt I owe you is a debt I can never repay. The best I can do is to pay down the interest by being a good person and helping others as you helped me.

With all the love in my heart, Thank You Lisa
Vincent

I need to start off with a stern warning to EVERYONE that this is the first, last, and ONLY place I better see the Hulu gene@#$. Anywhere. If we all agree never to use those three words in that combination and file it away with (CENSORED) and other words we thought would be best to never be formed and soon to be forgotten. Still where am I going with this? Simple. My credibility. This is what I think of the Internet and the people that comment on it. I may not always be right but I am rarely ever wrong. I have a thing for contrast as well as well -embed- joke, sometimes so obscure I don’t remember it the next day.

I fit into a group that is networked differently than most. This causes me to take a somewhat unique view of the Internet. Now I was thinking about saying something like, “this doesn’t mean it is any better than the next guys, it is just my view …” But I am not because my view is a bit more enlightened than most. I have more experience with a wider range than most people. I have been programming Flash since 1999 and have experience with Flash 3 through Flash CS4 AS3. I worked diligently to ensure that our component of Disney Online looked the same on Netscape 4x as it did with IE 4. It was 2004 before Disney Online permanently banished the 4x browsers. Due to Netscape’s poor successor to its 4x browser and its pacular skip to Netscape 6.

I worked to retire detect.dll a proto web service before web services were defined. I worked even harder to dispel the myth about “magic” components that go inside the computer and get the “real” information about what the computer was. The transition to Flash 4 to 5 was painfully slow because people believed that this DLL running on a web server was better than JavaScript. When I learned about headers and packet sniffers I was able to convince the director of engineering that detect dll looked at the user agent and based upon a yes no question put out code to determine if it has Flash or not. This was communicated to the browser via JavaScript.

I had to explain to the staff engineer the difference between JavaScript and JScript. The differences was as subtle as window.document.boo and document.boo. The same differences that separated  IE and Netscape

I saw annoying differences that had to be filtered through if then statements as I was trying to push for integrating new features for newer browsers while maintaining the same Disney experience one would expect from a 2004 disney.go.com/today/index.html

This is the Internet I see. Not the Internet I read about or an Internet explained to me by a smarter co-worker. The browser war of today is not the browser war of 2004. I isn’t about who got online first, but about who has done the most while online. Only a handful of people have been in meetings with marketing, VPs, developers, and engineers.

There is an inherint dager to the Internet. It amplifies group think to unimaginable lengths. Take Hulu for example. I see executives scrambling to make sense of this technology while completely ignoring all the lessons learned in the past. It goes like this.

Prime Time shows this time last year were broadcast FREE. Hulu is a logical place to view Lost. This is where the greatest concern of the big ugly revenue gobbler is. Now due to the poor management of the Entertainment industry I did not know when Community was on. Is saw some commercials for it, looked funny, and I missed it. The permire of Office too. I was relived to find them on Hulu. I might have paid for the Office but not Community. I had all the seasons of the Office and really wanted to see it. Community, I was on the fence for and $1.99 for standard def on Amazon. Really wouldn’t do it for me. I would not have had the patience to hunt down and install plug-ins to view it on NBC’s site (granted this can be interchanged to annoying ABC NBC FOX players) So I am waiting for episode 2.

I remember when the Microsoft pitchman came to talk to us about .NET. Enthusiastic about it, we had nothing to build on, no compilers, and no intrest. That really never stoped us though. We were always building our skill set, using what was new to see if we can use it to improve our work and then see if we can get management to buy into it.

Lately I have had a resurgence in my fascination of the constructs of the universe. Mainly in the areas of black holes. The idea of using infinity as a mathematical number does not sit well with me. If something archives infinity then it must have approached infinity. What would then be the last number reached before declared infinite? Oddly I think I might be able to shed some light on this.

Opposites

If there is one lesson this Universe has taught us is that there is always an opposite. This begs the question, “Is the absence of something its opposite?” Is the opposite of gravity the absence of gravity or anti gravity? Is this the same as the opposite of lightness is darkness? If light is generated using photons then this would me that anything that is not a photon is the opposite of a photon? As one could imagine the opposite game is a very slippery slope.

For the purpose of this post we will focus on the opposite of time and gravity. Which could be one in the same.

Gravity is caused by matter. Would then anti-matter cause anti-gravity? Simply putting anti in front of something does not make it an opposite, or even real. If E=MC^2 then we know that there is a relationship between mass and energy. Would then Energy be the opposite of mass?

Jumping Ahead

Since I am not a scientist I am not going to attempt to “prove” anything, instead toss my idea out there.

Mass generates gravity while energy generates time. We exist in the Universe because of the energy bound within the mass of an atom. When a black hole collapses onto itself this energy is being squeezed out of the atoms and subatomic particles. The Hawking radiation is the last breath of this process. Hawking’s is incorrect in thinking that the black hole is leaking its substance and will then evaporate. Though the black hole will eventually dissipate once all of its energy is finally dispersed but it will not evaporate in the sense Hawking describes. Instead, without any energy and being strictly mass the black hole will loose its anchor to time and we will simply move passed it. The information retained in the black hole will still exist however will be outside of the jurisdiction of time and thus be undetectable to us. This would make sense of Hawking’s claim that the information is retained in a different dimension in which the black hole never existed. The information would be retained in a dimension outside of time which would be no time the opposite of eternity.

Eternity is governed by all time in which all areas of it are instantly accessible. Once matter is introduced a dimple in space occurs and time is then slowed down and a timeline forms.

The ultimate fate of the Universe

As the Universe draws to a close the energy of the universe will be separated from the matter that has capsuled it since the the beginning. Energy and Mass will become dislodged in time. All of the energy since the beginning of the Universe is still with us, but undetectable because we are following a timeline and energy is not. What we are in now is when Mass and Energy’s paths cross. When all of the energy is released from Mass the Mass of this Universe will be lost in time as the energy dissipates into eternity. Once the separation is complete the eternity or infinity of the energy will move across all points and planes of existence until it is finally comes together in critical mass creating another big bang. Once that occurs the matter lost in time will be pulled out of its notime state and eternity will end and the universe will be reborn.

Where does the Universe come from and where does it go?

Let me work on that question.