I think Tuesday was the best example.

My recovery has been a bumpy road. This is something Jen, myself, and our friend new was going to happen. There would be good days and bad days. The surgical clip has spent 1/3 of my life irritating and inflaming a nerve that has the potential to create a lot of plain. We all know and should know the simple removing will not make the pain go away in a day or even a week.

Given what I have gone through over the past  few years, especially the events of 2008, people need to know how this has impacted me pyscologically. I want nothing more than to get back to work and to get back to my life. Though the pain is getting better, there are times in which I experiance these enormas fits of pain. In these moments one can only imagine what goes through my head. I have a perfefectly justified fear that this will not get better.

While waiting for my appointment with Dr. Kroop on Tuesday, an appointment I didn’t want to go to. I had read my email for the first time in a couple of days. I had received an e-mail from a very important person in my life. She told me to take it easy and to trust Dr. Kroop. This comes shortly after a horrible run in with the surgeon on Monday in which he could not understand why I am still feeling pain.

My friend told me to trust Dr. Kroop that he has not steared me wrong yet, which he hasn’t.

When Dr. Kroop told me that this pain will continue and the pain fits are to be excpected he told me, “I know in my gut we found the problem and corrected it and you will get better from this.” He told me to take it easy, that the euphoria of the surgical pain replacing the nerve pain has led me to try to do too much too quickly.

I trust Dr. Kroop with my life, that goes without question, however I cannot express enough how much that simple e-mail of encouragement made me believe that this pain is comming to an end. A recovery like this is far from simple, one can only imagine the doubts and fears that I must have and the fears of the people that surround me.

So many times simple comments on Facebook or Twitter have lifted my spirts and have given me the strength I need to get better, which I am.

On the flips side, Marin Clark, my older sister left a lengthy message on Jen’s voicemail concerned about what I was saying about her and my family throughout this ordeal and felt that I have been acting “pyscotic.” I personally think that my older sister Marin has done her very best to knock me down any time I have any sort of sense of hope. She has done her best to knock me down and certify me as insane.

Throughout this ordeal my nuclear family did not only not give me support but knocked down or try to knock down any support I do have. This was a time that I could have used them the most, and to protect Marin’s name they siezed a moment in which I was doing my best to climb out of a horrible slump to push me down and alienate me from the family and worse, trying to drive a wedge between me and those who have supported me and who have lifted my spirts.

Marin and her family want nothing more than me to stop writing about my strife, discontinue facebook, and to pull the plug on this very site. She wants this mainly because she is concerned not about her brother, however what her brother might say about her.

This crushed me and Jen as we realized that Marin Clark only became concerned with how I speak of her. Within minutes we could see how my little sister and mother joined her side deeming me “crazy.”

I can go more about this, but I am not. I am working on avoiding these people as much as possible until I get back up on my feet. I know that everytime I have tried to get back on my feet Marin Clark has been there to lead the charge to knock me down. I have my theories on why, however I am not going to share that just yet. I will present my case and if I am wrong, then I am, unlike Marin, will admit it.

Marin Clark treated her brother so horribly one cannot imagine what she has put me and my wife through. I will write about her transgressions, every little detail, however not yet. I want to first celebrate those friends and family members that stood beside me and praise them and thank them first. Their story will be heard first. Once that story is told then the story about those who were supposed to be there for me and abadnoned me or did whatever they could to keep me down and quite will be told.

The theme of 2008 is not the betrayal of Vincent Clark at the hands of his mother and two sisters, but how friends from the past and made during this long journey carried myself and my wife through a difficult jorney inspite of the horrible treatment he has suffered at the hands of his family.

I admit, I am no saint, I have writen and said nasty things to them. The last email which I mother likes to bring up was the one they keep mentioning so I would like to clear a few things up with that first. I wrote my little sister a very nasty email on my why home from the hospital after visiting my mother. Remember at the time I was in a great deal of pain, after traveling over an hour to visit my mother in the hospital only to have her do nothing but rag on me the entire time. I was letting a lot of it go, trying to keep calm, I was getting to that point where standing around was really not what I should be doing. Knowing what we know now we would understand why I felt that way.

After ragging on me again about my hair my little sister then joined my mother on ragging on me and then alternating on mocking me. When I was starting to get iritated at the two of them shouting over eachother instructions on how they wanted me to flip my hair my little sister then shoved her hand into my face to fix it. In pain and being aggitated because of being harrassed by my mother and sister my sister then thought it would be appropriate for her to jam her hand into my face. Without thinking I through the outer left handed Karate block and jumped back. Now remember, there are a few things that make me do something like that. 

I am going to also point out that I had a surgical clip pressing into my general femeral nerve, and had been for quite a long time, recently had caused me to go on medical leave . Now, I am still not sure on how much pain that clip was causing me, however, I am going on a limb and say that at the time of this incident I should have been in the hospital. 

I had a pleseant conversation wiht Emalyn and I want to ruin my mood by talking any more about these two. I will pick up another time. 

In parting, I want to exlain what happened at Christmas and what my sisters have done to me. I think when all is said and done I had every right to act and do the way I did, if not the right a damn good excuse. I won’t bring it up or play the card if they would be willing to fully understand what I had gone through and what they did when I was going through it. Until they really truley understand that then I will be accused of playing the pain card or cancer card or I am milking this for all it is worth. All I am doing really, is wanting it added to the equasion. I have to believe that if they knew what they were doing, if they knew what I was going through, what I have gone through for the past eleven years they would be calling me everyday crying and appologizing until I returned there call. Not saying I would make them beg and be a dick, what I am saying, if I were that kind of person that is what they should be doing. As much as I am not someone that would do his best to stick it to them, they are the kind of people that will and will always feel that they did nothing wrong, and that I deserved this. I think that is why I hate them so much, and really I have never really hated anyone. 

I know that is horrible, but before this mood is spoiled, I would like to say, you have no idea how horrible they have been to me. If I am wrong, if both sides were heard then people find that I am over reacting and what I did was wrong then I am man enough to accept that. I believe that I am not wrong, I believe that if someone where to know both sides they would clearly choose mine. 

Since my mother doesn’t want to get envolved, nobody wants to get in the middle of everything, we will all think we are right, all without discussing it. I don’t intend to change them, I just want to expose them for what they are and see if what I am doing is the right thing to do.