The conditions at home makes understand a little better why the hybrids of Battlestar Galactica go a little nutty after a while. Our place is really small, I have moved everything from the upstairs to our living room, mainly my computer system. I am enclosed in with wires and controls. At some point I will go into greater detail about my living arrangements for the past few weeks. For now I will say, it is less than ideal. I use that phrase instead of saying “it is a sucky hell in which I cannot wait to escape.” Though I cannot wait until I am beyond this set up, it is far better than having my computer system down here and having the clutter than it was having the computer upstairs. When the computer was upstairs I was still driven to work on it, however I could only work with it a little bit at a time since I cannot sit in a chair for very long. 

Last night I could not sleep so I broke a Flight Simulator taboo and used the time multiplier. It is amazing where you can go in this planet in one minute when heading west at Mach 4 while going 128x the normal speed. This is one of a dozen example I can use to describe how much nicer it is to have my computer down next to the couch.

The other thing is the fact that I am very isolated here. When one works with the computer as his main source of communication thoughts are not as clear to others as they are to him, me. I can tell in my writings, either on blogs or in emails, when I have been left alone for too long. 

I need to develop some sort of brain communication exercise or something to that effect. 

The doctor has been encouraging me to stay as still as possible. That is something very hard to do, but I am forcing myself to do it. 

I am getting better, it has just been a lonely, frustrating, miserable, long time.

I think Tuesday was the best example.

My recovery has been a bumpy road. This is something Jen, myself, and our friend new was going to happen. There would be good days and bad days. The surgical clip has spent 1/3 of my life irritating and inflaming a nerve that has the potential to create a lot of plain. We all know and should know the simple removing will not make the pain go away in a day or even a week.

Given what I have gone through over the past  few years, especially the events of 2008, people need to know how this has impacted me pyscologically. I want nothing more than to get back to work and to get back to my life. Though the pain is getting better, there are times in which I experiance these enormas fits of pain. In these moments one can only imagine what goes through my head. I have a perfefectly justified fear that this will not get better.

While waiting for my appointment with Dr. Kroop on Tuesday, an appointment I didn’t want to go to. I had read my email for the first time in a couple of days. I had received an e-mail from a very important person in my life. She told me to take it easy and to trust Dr. Kroop. This comes shortly after a horrible run in with the surgeon on Monday in which he could not understand why I am still feeling pain.

My friend told me to trust Dr. Kroop that he has not steared me wrong yet, which he hasn’t.

When Dr. Kroop told me that this pain will continue and the pain fits are to be excpected he told me, “I know in my gut we found the problem and corrected it and you will get better from this.” He told me to take it easy, that the euphoria of the surgical pain replacing the nerve pain has led me to try to do too much too quickly.

I trust Dr. Kroop with my life, that goes without question, however I cannot express enough how much that simple e-mail of encouragement made me believe that this pain is comming to an end. A recovery like this is far from simple, one can only imagine the doubts and fears that I must have and the fears of the people that surround me.

So many times simple comments on Facebook or Twitter have lifted my spirts and have given me the strength I need to get better, which I am.

On the flips side, Marin Clark, my older sister left a lengthy message on Jen’s voicemail concerned about what I was saying about her and my family throughout this ordeal and felt that I have been acting “pyscotic.” I personally think that my older sister Marin has done her very best to knock me down any time I have any sort of sense of hope. She has done her best to knock me down and certify me as insane.

Throughout this ordeal my nuclear family did not only not give me support but knocked down or try to knock down any support I do have. This was a time that I could have used them the most, and to protect Marin’s name they siezed a moment in which I was doing my best to climb out of a horrible slump to push me down and alienate me from the family and worse, trying to drive a wedge between me and those who have supported me and who have lifted my spirts.

Marin and her family want nothing more than me to stop writing about my strife, discontinue facebook, and to pull the plug on this very site. She wants this mainly because she is concerned not about her brother, however what her brother might say about her.

This crushed me and Jen as we realized that Marin Clark only became concerned with how I speak of her. Within minutes we could see how my little sister and mother joined her side deeming me “crazy.”

I can go more about this, but I am not. I am working on avoiding these people as much as possible until I get back up on my feet. I know that everytime I have tried to get back on my feet Marin Clark has been there to lead the charge to knock me down. I have my theories on why, however I am not going to share that just yet. I will present my case and if I am wrong, then I am, unlike Marin, will admit it.

Marin Clark treated her brother so horribly one cannot imagine what she has put me and my wife through. I will write about her transgressions, every little detail, however not yet. I want to first celebrate those friends and family members that stood beside me and praise them and thank them first. Their story will be heard first. Once that story is told then the story about those who were supposed to be there for me and abadnoned me or did whatever they could to keep me down and quite will be told.

The theme of 2008 is not the betrayal of Vincent Clark at the hands of his mother and two sisters, but how friends from the past and made during this long journey carried myself and my wife through a difficult jorney inspite of the horrible treatment he has suffered at the hands of his family.