I think Tuesday was the best example.

My recovery has been a bumpy road. This is something Jen, myself, and our friend new was going to happen. There would be good days and bad days. The surgical clip has spent 1/3 of my life irritating and inflaming a nerve that has the potential to create a lot of plain. We all know and should know the simple removing will not make the pain go away in a day or even a week.

Given what I have gone through over the past  few years, especially the events of 2008, people need to know how this has impacted me pyscologically. I want nothing more than to get back to work and to get back to my life. Though the pain is getting better, there are times in which I experiance these enormas fits of pain. In these moments one can only imagine what goes through my head. I have a perfefectly justified fear that this will not get better.

While waiting for my appointment with Dr. Kroop on Tuesday, an appointment I didn’t want to go to. I had read my email for the first time in a couple of days. I had received an e-mail from a very important person in my life. She told me to take it easy and to trust Dr. Kroop. This comes shortly after a horrible run in with the surgeon on Monday in which he could not understand why I am still feeling pain.

My friend told me to trust Dr. Kroop that he has not steared me wrong yet, which he hasn’t.

When Dr. Kroop told me that this pain will continue and the pain fits are to be excpected he told me, “I know in my gut we found the problem and corrected it and you will get better from this.” He told me to take it easy, that the euphoria of the surgical pain replacing the nerve pain has led me to try to do too much too quickly.

I trust Dr. Kroop with my life, that goes without question, however I cannot express enough how much that simple e-mail of encouragement made me believe that this pain is comming to an end. A recovery like this is far from simple, one can only imagine the doubts and fears that I must have and the fears of the people that surround me.

So many times simple comments on Facebook or Twitter have lifted my spirts and have given me the strength I need to get better, which I am.

On the flips side, Marin Clark, my older sister left a lengthy message on Jen’s voicemail concerned about what I was saying about her and my family throughout this ordeal and felt that I have been acting “pyscotic.” I personally think that my older sister Marin has done her very best to knock me down any time I have any sort of sense of hope. She has done her best to knock me down and certify me as insane.

Throughout this ordeal my nuclear family did not only not give me support but knocked down or try to knock down any support I do have. This was a time that I could have used them the most, and to protect Marin’s name they siezed a moment in which I was doing my best to climb out of a horrible slump to push me down and alienate me from the family and worse, trying to drive a wedge between me and those who have supported me and who have lifted my spirts.

Marin and her family want nothing more than me to stop writing about my strife, discontinue facebook, and to pull the plug on this very site. She wants this mainly because she is concerned not about her brother, however what her brother might say about her.

This crushed me and Jen as we realized that Marin Clark only became concerned with how I speak of her. Within minutes we could see how my little sister and mother joined her side deeming me “crazy.”

I can go more about this, but I am not. I am working on avoiding these people as much as possible until I get back up on my feet. I know that everytime I have tried to get back on my feet Marin Clark has been there to lead the charge to knock me down. I have my theories on why, however I am not going to share that just yet. I will present my case and if I am wrong, then I am, unlike Marin, will admit it.

Marin Clark treated her brother so horribly one cannot imagine what she has put me and my wife through. I will write about her transgressions, every little detail, however not yet. I want to first celebrate those friends and family members that stood beside me and praise them and thank them first. Their story will be heard first. Once that story is told then the story about those who were supposed to be there for me and abadnoned me or did whatever they could to keep me down and quite will be told.

The theme of 2008 is not the betrayal of Vincent Clark at the hands of his mother and two sisters, but how friends from the past and made during this long journey carried myself and my wife through a difficult jorney inspite of the horrible treatment he has suffered at the hands of his family.

This pain needs to be resolved, I cannot live like this. This is my last stand, this is my Alamo.

Wish me luck

I will your foot ran over and then try to chase the person that did it. Your foot is broken, so this is going to hurt, however, I cannot help you until you can tell me what the make and model of the car was, the license plate number, who was driving it, and then I will give you some forms so I can quickly input it into my forms that I am required to do before I jump out of the office right as the clock hit six.

The good thing besides spending all weekend combing through a year of pain logs for my appointment I will post pone thinking about how my weekly pay check much shorter than it should of and after staring at it for at least an hour, I know I figured it out. The bad part of it, it will have been the first of the month and some important automatic drafts will most likely get annoyed which set me back even further.

But why complain things are great here. Granted I am having fun learning how to make hdr images at 9:30pm at night, which is made possible by a visit to the Urgent Care, which I avoid more than rabid bores when relativly ok. The nurse took pitty on me, first time I cried at the doctors office. Not mentioning that you do that, it is quite huliating. But I finally got pain medicine.

During the onset of the incident that started the 18th I called the pain management doctor, you know the whole, getting pain medication from too many doctors bothers for me. When he called me back, he told me that he was not seeing me for my back but my side. I had told him that my back, neck, and side all seemed to me to be related. Since the last never group he numbed was in my back right next to my spine, I thought he had agreed. I understand differentials better than anyone, but I am confused on why you would give an injection to someone to see if it works over the course of two day and give them a month between appointments.

While we are on the subject of the pain management, it turn out the nerve that hurts the most is the one in one that goes from my back, through my side, in my testicular, and down my leg. Even more strange, this is not the nerve suspected and is isn’t even on the list of nerves that were or will be blocked.

I know what I am suffering from. I know what needs to be done. I don’t have all the answers but I have somewhere to look. I personally think it is bull shit when I can desin a better course of treatment than these doctors, and I know that with one week in a hospital this can all be figured out and I would be back at work in 6 weeks.

The reality, buracracy must be serve and the world has Vincent Clark layed up on a couch.

I think that is the worst part. I can be fixed in a week, sedate me, give me a lap top, private room, internet access, capable doctors, and I will be as good as new.

That will never happen, because, it has never been like that before.